Not looking forward to December

I’ve been trying to write this post for months now. At first I wasn’t sure if it was something I wanted to share. Then all the fashion madness in August and September came as a surprise which occupied my time and hence prolonged my decision.

But now I feel I’m ready. I didn’t think two years ago when I started this blog, that I was going to be sharing so much of my personal life. But I have changed and so has this blog I suppose as it isn’t always just about nice stuff for kids or cool clothes anymore…

In May of this year we were overjoyed to find out I was pregnant again. The scan confirmed I was close to 7 weeks pregnant with a heartbeat. Exactly like the the first scan I had with Lily. Baby due on….Christmas Day…

And off we went to Busselton a few days later. A trip that was planned as my husband was running to raise money for the charity which helped my friends deal with the loss of their daughter at 37 weeks gestation.

But I only had a few days of feeling on top of the world. And then it all turned into shit. And honestly I haven’t been the same since.

One drop of blood. Then an uncontrollable flow. I was inconsolable. Why weren’t there any bloody sonographers working on a Sunday? Why can’t anyone just fucken tell me that I’m miscarrying?!

And talk about the timing with raising money for our friends who had lost their baby. How can life be so cruel?

It was a cold feeling during the scan. Such a stark contrast to what I had experienced only a few days before. I desperately tried to find the beating heart I saw in the monitor and even without medical qualifications I knew the baby was no more.

And as December approaches, I’m reminded of the happy moments: When I saw the double line on the pregnancy test, the look on my husband’s face as it was confirmed there was a heartbeat, and the joyful shouts of “Congratulations!” from our family. I’m reminded that I would have been holding a baby in December.

I’ve always felt that I could be honest on my blog and I hope that by sharing my story it may help someone who has gone through the same loss and they aren’t alone. Too many of us stay quiet but miscarriage is certainly not uncommon and affects us in ways unexplainable. I can’t remember a time when I’ve felt so extremely sad, stressed and in incredible pain.

But I’m getting on with life. I really thought I was going to just hide away for the rest of the year and quit blogging. But then Renosslah approached me to do Restyle and I found keeping myself busy doing something I enjoyed was kinda like therapy in a way…

My blog is still about the ‘beautiful things in life’ – not just the frivolous stuff but the joys of everyday life too. And even in such dark times I’ve been able to think how blessed I am to have great family/friends – especially my husband and of course my dear daughter.

As always, thank you for reading.