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Not looking forward to December

November 22, 2012
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I’ve been trying to write this post for months now. At first I wasn’t sure if it was something I wanted to share. Then all the fashion madness in August and September came as a surprise which occupied my time and hence prolonged my decision.

But now I feel I’m ready. I didn’t think two years ago when I started this blog, that I was going to be sharing so much of my personal life. But I have changed and so has this blog I suppose as it isn’t always just about nice stuff for kids or cool clothes anymore…

In May of this year we were overjoyed to find out I was pregnant again. The scan confirmed I was close to 7 weeks pregnant with a heartbeat. Exactly like the the first scan I had with Lily. Baby due on….Christmas Day…

And off we went to Busselton a few days later. A trip that was planned as my husband was running to raise money for the charity which helped my friends deal with the loss of their daughter at 37 weeks gestation.

But I only had a few days of feeling on top of the world. And then it all turned into shit. And honestly I haven’t been the same since.

One drop of blood. Then an uncontrollable flow. I was inconsolable. Why weren’t there any bloody sonographers working on a Sunday? Why can’t anyone just fucken tell me that I’m miscarrying?!

And talk about the timing with raising money for our friends who had lost their baby. How can life be so cruel?

It was a cold feeling during the scan. Such a stark contrast to what I had experienced only a few days before. I desperately tried to find the beating heart I saw in the monitor and even without medical qualifications I knew the baby was no more.

And as December approaches, I’m reminded of the happy moments: When I saw the double line on the pregnancy test, the look on my husband’s face as it was confirmed there was a heartbeat, and the joyful shouts of “Congratulations!” from our family. I’m reminded that I would have been holding a baby in December.

I’ve always felt that I could be honest on my blog and I hope that by sharing my story it may help someone who has gone through the same loss and they aren’t alone. Too many of us stay quiet but miscarriage is certainly not uncommon and affects us in ways unexplainable. I can’t remember a time when I’ve felt so extremely sad, stressed and in incredible pain.

But I’m getting on with life. I really thought I was going to just hide away for the rest of the year and quit blogging. But then Renosslah approached me to do Restyle and I found keeping myself busy doing something I enjoyed was kinda like therapy in a way…

My blog is still about the ‘beautiful things in life’ – not just the frivolous stuff but the joys of everyday life too. And even in such dark times I’ve been able to think how blessed I am to have great family/friends – especially my husband and of course my dear daughter.

As always, thank you for reading.

24 Comments leave one →
  1. November 22, 2012 4:31 am

    Lots of love to you, I know words will never make the loss better. But know that I am here for you and I do know how it feels, if there’s anything I can do please feel free to contact me.

  2. November 22, 2012 6:33 am

    Sorry to read about your loss. Take care x

  3. November 22, 2012 9:29 am

    oh lady! You just made me weep into my laptop….massive hugs and love to you! xx

  4. November 22, 2012 10:07 am

    Oh dear. I’m sorry to hear this.
    Heart wrenching and horrible.
    I’m glad to felt you could share.
    I’m hearing way too much of this lately and it makes me really sad.
    My thoughts are with you. xxx

  5. November 22, 2012 5:32 pm

    Oh sorry to read about this. 😦

  6. November 22, 2012 9:53 pm

    Thanks for your love ladies. I hope no one thinks I wrote this to just get sympathy as it was a hard decision to post something so personal. But I found reading about other people’s experiences really helped me to deal with the loss – so I hope this may help someone out there too. Thanks again for your love and support xxxx

    • November 23, 2012 8:00 am

      So very beautifully written and will help more women than you realise. I am so sorry. Similar situation over here and it is hard to see all the new babies being born in my mother’s group now, around the same time I should also be welcoming a new babe into our family. Thank you for writing this.

      • November 25, 2012 8:10 am

        Just emailed you babe. Thank you for commenting and sharing. Know exactly how you feel and hope it won’t be long before Sienna has a baby bro or sis too x

  7. November 24, 2012 11:07 am

    Beautiful post Sass.
    It must have been tough for you to write this but know you’re not alone.
    We’ve also been trying and i have a feeling it will be really difficult for us, but trying not to let it get to me.
    Hugs to you xx

    • November 25, 2012 8:08 am

      Thanks for commenting. It isn’t always that easy to get pregnant, but I hope it will happen for you guys. You will be an awesome mother 😊

  8. Cbrain permalink
    November 25, 2012 5:22 am

    Thank you for saying something. It isn’t spoken about enough….made me feel like such a failure when it happened, like I was the only one.
    Your honesty, although painful for you, is appreciated

    • November 25, 2012 8:06 am

      I know exactly what you mean about feeling like you failed. Even though I am blessed to already have a daughter, I am constantly asked about ‘the next one’ and to ‘hurry up’. If only they knew right!?? Thanks for commenting and sharing x

  9. November 25, 2012 3:53 pm

    Your post couldn’t of said it better, as hard as it is to put into words the real pain of it all. We lost our baby in Feb this year and sometimes I think how will I ever move on? My daughter just turned 6 so we have had a few years of constant questions asking ‘whens the next one?’ and this year its been hard not to just break down and cry. Only yesterday my daughter cried to me saying she was so lonely and wanted a sibling so bad but is so scared it will die again. It just breaks your heart. I actually started my blog to pull myself out of the hole I was in and it has helped a little bit in focusing on all the good parts of life.
    So thanks for your post, you were very brave to write about one of the most heart wrenching things.

    • November 27, 2012 9:11 am

      Thank you so much for sharing your story. I can’t imagine what it would be like having a daughter that is old enough to comprehend to get scared. My heart really aches for you and your family. I hope that the new year brings you joy and lots of good things to come. x

  10. November 25, 2012 6:31 pm

    Oh Sass. Lots of love being sent your way xoxo

    • November 25, 2012 6:33 pm

      And thank you for sharing such a personal thing with us all and continuing with your blog. I always love reading it and am so glad for the bond we’ve developed through this whole blogging thing!

      • November 27, 2012 9:12 am

        Thanks Jess. It really is special how we have all got to know each other through our painful and joyful times…all virtually too! This is something my parents can’t comprehend!

  11. DesertDarling permalink
    November 25, 2012 10:38 pm

    Oh Sass my Darlin I’m so sorry to hear what you’ve been through. A beautifully written post about a very painful experience. I have a lump in my throat.
    I wish there was something I could say or do (and if there is please let me know)

    I have no doubt you’ll be welcoming #2 before you know it, however I understand that once the heart knows what it wants, it wants it NOW and every month feels like a godamn year.

    I’m lighting a candle for your little lost one tonight xxxx

    • November 27, 2012 9:14 am

      Hey DD. I’m not going to put pressure on having a #2 baby soon (that is a whole other post!)…thanks for your comments sweetie xxx

      • DesertDarling permalink
        November 28, 2012 7:03 am

        Oh my Bad! It so important to heal physically and emotionally first and the last thing you need is people like me pressuring you about number 2!
        Sorry Hon xx

      • November 28, 2012 7:35 am

        Oh no I didn’t feel that all!!!! Don’t feel bad! It would be great if I’m pregnant soon but after months of feeling disappointed I just want to relax about the whole ‘trying for a baby’ thing. X

  12. November 26, 2012 7:47 am

    You know I’m with you every step of the way, Sass. I hope you have found that telling your story and the story of your little one helps in the healing process. Let’s hope that we both welcome healthy full term babies in 2013. I’m thinking of you and sending a virtual hug all the way from Brisbane to Perth xx

  13. November 26, 2012 1:38 pm

    Hugs to you, hon.

  14. November 27, 2012 9:16 am

    Thanks guys. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted as I’ve at last been able to tell my story and express my hurt and sadness.

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